Navigating the Holidays: Safety and Boundaries for IPV Survivors

The holiday season is typically associated with festive gatherings, gift-giving, spending time with your loved ones, and honoring religious or spiritual traditions. Ideally, this is a time of relaxation and celebration before starting a new year. Yet for many, this time of year ends up being full of impossibly high expectations, increased stress, and higher levels of alcohol and substance use.

For survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV), the holidays can be a time of anxiety and fear rather than celebration. IPV doesn't stop during the holidays, but survivors may feel hesitant to reach out for help because they're worried about "being a burden" or "ruining the holiday". The truth is you're not a burden and you deserve to get the help you need. If you’re feeling uncertain about reaching out to your support network, remember that Sullivan County Victim Services is always here for all survivors.

Survivors (and everyone really) can set the foundation for a season that is not just manageable, but genuinely enjoyable, by planning ahead, prioritizing their needs, and being clear about their limits. This often involves two critical components: safety planning and boundary setting.

Setting Boundaries

Setting clear limits is a necessary form of self-care and helps you prioritize your needs. For survivors of IPV, setting and maintaining boundaries can be difficult if their abuser would frequently ignore those limits, taking power and control for themselves. Boundaries help manage your time, energy, and emotions and being firm in maintaining them can help keep you safe and maintain your healing.

Determine Your Boundaries

• • Time: limit how long you stay at gatherings or only attend a few events to avoid overcommitment.
  • Emotional Topics: decide what conversations you are willing to engage in (e.g., politely steering discussions away from triggering topics).
  • Traditions: opt out of certain traditions that feel overwhelming or suggest alternatives that are more manageable.
  • Financial Stress: set a firm budget for gifts or suggest alternatives like a Secret Santa to reduce pressure.

Communicate Assertively

Be clear, kind, and confident when stating your limits.

• • Use "I" Statements: frame the boundary around your needs to avoid sounding critical (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when I have too many events in a week. I need to limit how many gatherings I attend this year").
  • Be Consistent: if family members push back, calmly repeat your boundary: “I hear what you’re saying, but I still need to stick to what works best for me this year”. Remember, their negative reaction to your boundary is not your responsibility to manage.

You and your boundaries deserve to be respected. If you struggle with maintaining boundaries and would be interested in a support group, reach out to Victim Services.

Safety Planning for Survivors Still in Contact with an Abuser

If you are spending the holidays with or traveling with an abusive partner, creating a safety plan is essential to help you cope and provide opportunities for escape if necessary. While having a plan is important, it's critical to recognize when it's time to put the plan into action. You have to be able to recognize when things are escalating or may becoming dangerous. Pay attention to patterns such as arguments escalating quickly or mood changes when your partner is stressed or intoxicated.

Key Safety Planning Tips

• Establish a Support Network Check-In: Set up a regular check-in plan with someone you trust throughout the holiday season using a communication method that your partner will not monitor or retaliate against you for using. Let your chosen contact know exactly what to do if you miss a check-in.  If you are traveling, provide your itinerary, including contact information and where you will be staying, to a trusted friend or family member who your partner will not influence.
• Create a Code Word: Develop a secret code word or phrase with trusted friends or family members that signals you need immediate help. This word should be subtle, allowing you to signal danger without tipping off your partner. Be sure to agree beforehand on the specific action the code word calls for (e.g., calling the police, calling you back, or coming over).
• Pack an Emergency Bag: Pack an inconspicuous bag that is easy to hide and contains essential items in case you need to leave quickly. Recommended contents include cash, a backup phone charger, a few days' supply of medications, and copies of important documentation (like legal documents and identification papers). If you have children or pets, pack food, water, and medications for them as well.
• Have an Exit Strategy: Designate a place you can go if you need to leave, such as a trusted family member's home, a shelter, or a hotel. Plan how you will get there—whether by car, public transportation, or arranging for a friend to pick you up.
• If Traveling with Children: If your children are traveling with you, have additional copies of their documents, as well as yours, stored in a safe place, possibly with a trusted family member back home or even the front desk of your hotel. If you need to go into hiding while traveling, researching interstate or international custody rights may be helpful (resources like WomensLaw, Legal Resource Center on Violence Against Women, may assist).
  

If you are staying in Sullivan County for the holidays or you want help developing a safety plan, you can contact us at Sullivan County Victim Services 24/7 via our emergency hotline at 570-946-4215 or 1-800-894-3706.

If you are traveling with an abusive partner, it is important to know the emergency number for the city or country you are staying in. You can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233), chat with a live advocate, or text START to 88788.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

✦ Resource Roundup

 Boundaries

🔗 How to set (and stick to) healthy boundaries during the holidays | Calm Blog

This article details how to set healthy boundaries during the holidays to reduce stress, prevent burnout, and preserve relationships.

Safety Planning

🔗 The Risk of Domestic Violence Increases During the Holidays | Psychology Today

This article explains reasons why tensions might be higher during the holiday season and explains how to make a safety plan for the holiday season.

🔗 Safety Planning for Holidays and Weekends - The Hotline

Tips for safety planning for survivors and the friends and family of survivors.

🔗 Safely Traveling With an Abusive Partner - The Hotline

Tips for keeping yourself emotionally and physically safer when traveling with an abusive partner.

🔗 Safety While Traveling With Children - The Hotline

Tips for safety planning if you are traveling with your children

🔗 Supporting Survivors during the Holiday Season | NNEDV

Tips for survivors' allies and loved ones on signs of abuse and how to support survivors during the holidays.

🔗 Safety Planning for Yourself, Children, and Pets This Holiday Season | NNEDV

Holiday safety planning tips for survivors of domestic violence, emphasizing strategies to protect yourself, your children, and your pets during a season that can heighten stress and risks.